I used to think of myself as a hopeful romantic. A girl who loves love. I coordinate weddings for pure fun because being part of someone's happiest day gives me joy. I only read books with happy endings. I root for Johnny & Baby, Forrest and his Jenny, Julia Roberts and any man. But this leading lady right here is taking a bow.
I'm approaching this like I did sports in middle school. I will manage the scoreboard on the sideline and cheer on my friends. That's where my energy is better spent; rather than trying to dribble down the court. The other day I made a guest list for my 30th birthday party and realized I will be the only single person there. So I'm basically throwing a big ol' bash that will be 30 people's date night. This I am good at, this I like. Pushing food and booze on people. That I can do.
Why the early retirement you may wonder? Well, over the last five years I've really grown to like myself. I appreciate my strong, sometimes blunt, personality. I consider myself driven and motivated. I don't really care if you think my cheetah boots and Mickey Mouse t-shirt are weird, I'll own it. I won't go as far to say I'm confident but I'm definitely content in who I am. Therefore, when shitty things would happen involving the opposite sex I really never questioned my worth... until lately.
Like I said I made my guest list and quickly realized I was the odd man out. Thirty people seems like a pretty decent sample size made up of multiple different social circles. After several back to back strike outs you can't help but wonder "what the fuck am I doing wrong?" As my therapist would say, it's the wrong men at the wrong time. (I pay her to be nice to me apparently)
But the journey and rejection over the last few years have started to take a toll on my self esteem. My mental health just can't take that. I can't have anxiety over being vulnerable. Over sending text messages or coming on too strong or being too caring. It's just not healthy. I really, really, think I'm one of the sane, rational, and reasonable girls in the dating game right now and I just can't handle it. And for that reason I'm out.
So here's my white flag, I surrender to singledom. I'll make you Jell-O shots. I'll go to bottomless brunch with you. I'll join you for cheese on the couch any night of the week. I will bustle your wedding gown if need be. But I won't be sharing anymore first date stories.
No comments:
Post a Comment